Darkness. Things seem so dark. There is nothing but darkness inside my head.
I have been so depressed, I haven’t been able to function. I feel like this darkness is slowly killing me. Not in the literal sense, but in how it is sapping my spirit, my will to live my life with joy or contentment. I am completely apathetic and do not care what happens to, or around, me.
Spring seems like it would be a joyful time. Yet, every year, spring after spring, it is the same. My Bipolar I Disorder swings around and lands on darkness. You’d think happy-go-lucky mania would be the order of the season, but not with me.
So, here I sit, nothing holding my interest. Things I need to get done piling up around me (sometimes literally piling up around me), and I am off in lala-depressed-I-don’t-care-about-anything land.
Darkness permeates every fiber of my being. I can see nothing but darkness ahead and darkness behind me. There is so much weighing on my shoulders, I shouldn’t be surprised that I am like this.
- Mom on hospice care for over 3 1/2 years now
- I am sole decision maker, as my only sibling passed away back in 1994 and my dad has been gone since 2000
- Mom’s decline is agonizingly slow
- Her memory problems have gotten much worse of late
- She is a needy narcissist
- My son’s health issues
- ASD (autism spectrum disorder)
- ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder)
- Severe anxiety issues
- Depression
- Speech and language disorder (mixed receptive and expressive language disorder)
- Special education needs coordination and planning
- ABA therapy in home with techs coming in and out
- In the running for being the world’s pickiest eater
- Coordination of doctors, educators, and therapists
- Puberty (he’s 13), but the maturity of about a 10 year old
- Behaviors that go along with his diagnoses and mitigating the issues that arise from said behaviors
- Constantly trying to work within the various systems to get him the supports he needs
- ICU nurse hubby
- Husband who is an RN on the ICU of our local hospital during the pandemic
- Husband is a combat veteran with PTSD from his tour in Iraq in 2005
- Now dealing with a grizzly bear for a hubby anytime things get stressful for him, work life or life at home, due to all the PTSD and other undiagnosed mental health issues which he refuses to seek treatment for
- My own health issues
- Bipolar I Disorder
- Major Depressive Episode
- Migraines
- Fibromyalgia
- Asthma due to Long Covid
- Other Long Covid symptoms
- Both knees are bone on bone and no replacement surgery safe to do at this point
- Bad back and sciatica
- Cardiac issues
- Water retention
- Morbid obesity
- Vag/Uterine prolapse
- Diverticulitis
- IBS
- Overactive bladder
- No bladder control
And the list goes on…
It is no wonder I am not crazier than I already am. My life is insane! I am under such immense pressure and stress, I feel completely spent and empty inside; I have no more to give. And, because of all my health issues, I have little reserves to begin with.
So, here I sit, typing this when I should be doing something else, like showering or brushing my teeth (routine daily hygiene has been nonexistent lately). I have no energy to get in the shower. Brushing my teeth feels like torture to me. I can barely hold my head up, let along do something that taxing. And, with the UroGyn’s resident’s appointment I have in a little over 2 hours, I have to save my energy for that.
I am so nauseous, I can’t eat anything. I am sipping on a Gatorade Zero with Protein drink, and I can barely choke those little sips down. Am I grateful to be alive right now? That’s a loaded question. Am I alive right now? Yes, but I am not doing what anyone would call truly “living.” I am merely existing. Is this how I want to continue? No, absolutely not. What can I do to get out of this deep, dark hole? I am not sure.
But, I’ll tell you one thing:
Down in this deep, dark hole, it is scary.
The Painful Pagan 